"Divorce Sucks!"

After Tuesday's post on long-term marriage difficulties, I felt the need to dig a little deeper, so I interviewed a divorced friend who once made the remark, "Divorce sucks!" Susan (name changed for privacy reasons) was married sixteen years, but there was always an elephant in the middle of her living room--adultery. It created a climate she could not live with and he did not want to live without. I asked Susan...

Me: How did you handle the divorce?
Susan: At first I thought, "Oh, I'm going to be one of them." I was terrified at the prospect of what lay ahead. At the same time, I couldn't live the way he wanted. There's the Christian aspect, too. I stopped going to church for awhile because I felt guilty. Then I went back. It (church) was an important part of my life and I needed to have that back. I got lots of support going through it, which was comforting. Now I'm finding it's everywhere and I don't hesitate telling people I am divorced, but I think that's sad (that it's everywhere).

Me: You have one child. How did he handle the divorce?
Susan: We tried to make it as easy as we could for him, and several people told us we handled it well. But the kids hurt, no matter what, no matter how you handle it. It was especially hard on him because it came in the middle of his turbulent teen years.

Me: You once told me, "Divorce sucks!" In what ways?
Susan: It's very much an end. Unless you are lucky enough to have someone in your life to start over with, it's very hard. You are always referencing your earlier life. Also, there is the sadness you feel for your children. It's very hard to watch them go through that. We're the grown-ups, the parents, the adults. We make the mistake, and they have to suffer for it.

Me: Did you join a support group or get other help?
Susan: No (to the support group). I was in personal counseling and I took a class in how to help your children deal with divorce.
Me: Did it help?
Susan: Yes. The counseling helped me deal with my guilt feelings and the parenting class assured me that I was doing all I good for my child. It helped me know the right things to say to him and what things to avoid doing.

Me: What advice would you give someone contemplating divorce?
Susan: It isn't always greener on the other side of the street. People do get through it and move on to function well in their lives, but it does change a person forever.

After talking with Susan, I am more convinced than ever that divorce is not a good alternative for a struggling long-term marriage, and not just because it is so hurtful for the children. It's a hard, hard road for the adults involved, as well. Susan confirmed my earlier conclusion that, if possible, it is better to mend it than to end it.

Thank you, Susan, and God bless and strengthen all who are struggling with marriage difficulties or living with the changes divorce brings,
Margaret