My Write-In Candidacy

I'm going to run in the election as a write-in candidate. I think I would make a better Congressman than anybody else running. As a write-in, I will have no campaign expenses, so I won't be obligated to pay back any big contributors or special interests and can vote for what the people want. I am not wealthy, so you can be sure I am not buying the office. I am an independent, so I won't even have to follow a party line on legislative votes. Doesn't that make me the best candidate ever?

I'm tired of all the gobbledygook on the airwaves, aren't you? Everybody is accusing their opponent of lying. You don't know who is telling the truth anymore. So my platform is "Tell it like it is, and keep it simple!" And here is my stand on the issues:

1. Abortion: I have the best answer for that one—don't get pregnant. Then there's no problem.

2. Health care: I'm all for it. We can't get along without it. Dead Congressmen don't get anything done!

3. Energy: I'm all for this one, too. We never have enough of that. Especially as you get older, the more you need it. So bring it on!

4. Jobs: Yah, we need those, too. The more, the better. You can't pay the bills without a job.

5. Illegal immigration: This one's tricky. I say, build that gosh-durned wall along the line with Mexico, put a bunch of gates in, and let them in, one at a time. Make them stand in line and wait their turn, like the legals do. For heaven's sake, we learned that in kindergarten.

6. War: I don't much like it! It doesn't do anybody any good to be killing each other back and forth. Talk is much better. Just be sure you've got a good translator.

7. Bank regulation: We durn better! Look at all the trouble they caused! But first, we gotta prosecute them that led the general public on a wild goose chase with their money in the first place. Years ago they used to hang criminals out West when they done people in like that!

Well, there it is. Write me in wherever you think I'd fit best. And if I get elected, I promise you'll always be able to get ahold of me because I'll have the busiest office. The party-liners are always beating down the doors of independents because they need our votes on the close ones.

The political friend who has YOU as her boss,
Margaret